For Maddie

I don't think I understand death, not really.

I've been following Maddie's story, and whenever her mom or dad writes a post about mourning the loss of their daughter, I take a moment and feel it for them. I hurt for them. I remember their daughter. I am aghast that she is no longer here. I try and put myself in that place, even for just a nanosecond, even as unequipped as I am to actually understand.

It's the least I can do, this remembering their daughter. Trying to understand their feelings of loss. Feeling outraged for them- for there are no good "answers" as to why. It's the least I can do, to take these small moments of my time.

But then, when I see photos of her- looking very much alive and vibrant- part of my brain thinks she's not dead. And I have the ability to be able to do that- to deny their awful reality- because for me, Maddie is in the internet; I can visit her there anytime. She's not missing from my arms, from my bed, from my car seat. I don't have empty clothes, and empty high chair, a silent piano. I only have the internet, where Maddie smiles at me any time I click in the right places.

This line of thinking usually makes me feel so very "lucky" to not have experienced death very often or very hard in my lifetime. But then I realize that "luck" has nothing to do with it... for if we all die- and news flash, self: WE ALL DO INDEED DIE- then at some point death will visit me too*. Or perhaps it's better to say that death will visit someone that I am not ready to part with.

*Joan Didion points this out too, in her book A Year of Magical Thinking, this concept that facing the death of a loved one will catch up to all of us, eventually.

And this brings me back to my original statement: I do not understand death. Also, I cannot prepare myself for death. So instead, I take a moment. I take a moment for Maddie, but mostly I take a moment for her mommy. For her daddy. And I try to feel it as they are feeling it- and I fail... but oh, do I try.

Other times I just enjoy her smile, enjoy reading about her parents' memories of her. I let her "be alive" for me. Here, in the internet.

It's a small token- a speck, really- remembering. I don't have anything unique or elequent to say about death or about Maddie or about how to keep on living. Nothing that hasn't been said, and said better, elsewhere.

Holding my own babes close. Kissing their curls and thinking, however briefly, of her. That's what I do.

But it's the least I can do... in fact, it's all I can do.

For Maddie.

Greenhouse

Do you ever get a glimpse of someone else's life and start romanticizing how lovely it is?

Recently, that happened to me- for just an instant, anyway.

When my mom and brother Kiner were here this past weekend, we went to visit my aunt- my mom's sister- who lives about 40 minutes from me.

I don't see my aunt all that often. Our lives are very different, and we are both busy in our own little worlds.

My aunt's world is not one I usually admire. She's had a hard life: teen pregnancy, domestic abuse, divorce, a mentally ill child, money problems, a grandchild at age 32 (OMG- totally not kidding), and most recently breast cancer. To name a few.

She's handled it all with grace and a smile. A good sense of humor. A resilient spirit.

Recently her passion has been running a greenhouse on her property, which is where we visited her on Saturday.

Everything about a green house in spring is wonderful: the smells, the glowy light, the warmth inside when it's chilly outside....

Even the bags of dirt looked cheerful.

My girls were in heaven: getting dirty, planting flowers, filling pots with soil to "help" my aunt.

Marin was so excited to wear her new gardening gloves, that- on the way there- she fell asleep with them on. She loves her gardening gloves... and digging in dirt.

The wee little sprouts, popping through the soil, looked so fresh and hopeful.

The flats upon flats of tiny specks, soon to be blossoming flowers.

The vibrant colors of the plants a little further in their growing were cheering.

It was a lovely way to spend a chilly spring afternoon. We packed a picnic. We got dirty. Kiner even talked to my uncle about buying a greenhouse. What was involved, costs for heating/cooling, etc. (He's always up for a new project.)

We were all charmed, I think.

But then I looked across the rows and rows and rows of things growing, things needing to be watered, tended to, groomed, and cared for.

Rows and rows and rows of plants that would die if not given proper attention.

And then I realized that my aunt planted ALL OF THAT. (The next photo is half of her greenhouse).

And then I realized I'm much too lazy for a greenhouse.

Happy Easter!

The Easter Bunny was here.

Chocolate was consumed at 8 am.

We've had a delicious breakfast, went to church, ate ham dinner...

Now we've all escaped to our own quiet, for awhile.

The sun is shining and it's a beautiful spring day...

Happy Easter!

Please note that the dolls also have matching dresses.

I've become THAT mom.

...but it makes my girls so happy.

Families

My mom and Uncle Kiner with my kids. More photos here.

My mom and baby brother Kiner are here this weekend, to celebrate Easter with us. As usual when we have company, we've been playing hard and sleeping little.

Yesterday we all loaded up and went geocaching for our first time, and we all loved it. Well, all except my brother, who was more frustrated by his GPS than he was enjoying walking in the woods.

I don't see Kiner as much as I'd like, so I've really been enjoying his visit. He's fun and easy to be around and my children adore him. He's an awesome brother, and Seester is an awesome sister, and my other brother is... less than awesome. (Remember this?)... but as far as siblings go, I think 2 awesome ones out of 3 is not bad. Not bad at all.

In other interesting family news, my dad broke up with his girlfriend. (You can read more about her here.) And moved (temporarily, I think) in with Kiner. Since he was still married to my mom when he moved in with his girlfriend, his girlfriend purchased the house in her name only. Therefore, she was able to kick him out.

First and foremost, I was concerned for my dad. I don't like seeing him kicked out and left "homeless". He has a large lab that is a mostly-outside-dog, so renting a place is not easy for him. Kiner owns a beautiful home- much closer to my dad's work- and lives there alone. So for now, the two of them are enjoying each other.

(My dad is a crazy-fun person to be around.)

However, beyond hating seeing my dad in a vulnerable position, I'm soooooo relieved he's not longer dating THAT WOMAN. After Christmas... oh, you guys.... I've been dreading (DREADING!) seeing her again. Or letting her be around my kids. Or dealing with her in any way. Dreading it in the way that my stomach literally hurt and I felt physically ill when I thought about it too much.

I don't trust her. And frankly? I think she's crazy. CAH-razy.

So, we'll see how this all pans out. I suppose there's always the chance that they'd get back together....

(My fingers are crossed.)

Anyway, our weekend has been great so far. We spent the afternoon at my aunt's toasty-warm greenhouse, planting and looking and smelling flowers. My girls came away smelling like soil and sunshine, so content.

We've dyed eggs.

And been shopping.

And every evening all four adults have spent quality time together. Each on our own laptop, of course. But there's something strangely comforting about this too: we've been together all day, and we still want to be together, while we each check into our virtual worlds.

It's quiet and cozy.

Occasionally, someone announce something funny to share. Or we'll crowd around one laptop for 45 seconds of Youtube. And then it's quiet again, as we all go back to our own corners of the internet.

(My mom is also single again, and INTERNET DATING via her new blackberry while she's here. My mom, you guys. MY MOM! Internet dating!)

Ahhh, families.

Afternoon Delight

Early Summer has arrived- however briefly- these past few days. I can't tell you how soul-feeding it has been.

Sun dresses are being worn

reminding me of my own knock-kneed days of childhood.

(though my own development took me straight from "knock-kneed" to "chubby-kneed" without the stopping at "normal-kneed". SIGH.)

Chubby knees aside, something about the "early summer" weather is incredibly nostalgic for me.

The release of pent-up winter energy....

remembering bringing my own books out to fresh green grass for reading....

Kate especially has be into writing in her diary lately. My sweet girl, who reads like a fourth grader but still sometimes writes diary "biary". This simple blunder makes me smile.

I had a locked biary too.

We've been spending as much time outside as possible, for this wonderful "heat wave" is predicted to be short lived.

The girls already have bruised shins and skinned knees....

But it's worth it- just ask them- because nothing beats the sun warming your skin while you lay outside smelling soil and grass and things growing.

My mom and brother are coming (tonight!) for Easter weekend, and I can tell you that finding myself inside- cleaning- has not been happening.

Do you think they will understand?

Book Club

Living in Tiny Town has taught me one thing fo' shizzle: you have to make your own fun. Along those lines, one of the "fun" things that I do every month is book club. I've mentioned this before, and periodically receive emails asking for specifics.

For the past several years, we've been getting together in each other's homes to discuss a particular book talk about sex see each other without the children underfoot. It is an actual book club (vs a "book club"), meaning we DO pick a title to discuss every month. However, we are not known for our devotion to discussing the book or staying on topic. Also, every month there are several people who don't read (or don't finish) the book. They/we still have fun.

We use a list of questions (usually from readinggroupguides.com) to get us started, but soon the conversation veers away from the book and eventually reaches the point of no return. I always laugh really hard- at least once- each time we meet. It is absolutely delightful to see these women without each of us also parenting our children. (Though nurslings are always welcome.)

If you'd like to start a book group of your own, here are some tips:

*be willing to host often, especially in the beginning

*mix up the type of books chosen (rotating months of fiction/nonfiction, for example)

*pick books readily available and not too new (hard covers are expensive; new books are harder to get at libraries)

*invite all sorts of people initially... those that are not really into it will weed themselves out

*be flexible- if lots of people can't make it, we reschedule. If we usually meet on a Thursday but that won't work this month, we'll pick a Tuesday

*keep the door open for any new book lovers that might enter your life (people who really love to read are almost always a good addition)

*pick a time of day that is convenient for your group: for us, this is 7:30 pm- after dinner and the kids can be pj'd and ready for bed before you walk out the door. Mornings (like during preschool time) or Saturdays sometimes work great too.

*choose books 1-2 months ahead to give everyone time to get a copy of the book

Finally, here is a list of what we've read, starting with our most recent and working back to our very first book (which is Bel Canto- still a favorite of mine!). Feel free to use this list to get ideas for your own group. (I love seeing other book clubs' lists.)

(Sorry about the font change. Copying and pasting...)

I asterisked** the ones I particularly LOVED. (I loved something about each of them, however.)

2010:

(for May) Girl With a Dragon Tatoo- Stieg Larson

(for April) Desert Flower- Waris Dirie

Broken for You- Stephanie Kallos

Atchafalaya Houseboat- Gwen Roland

The Help- Kathryn Stockett**

2009:

Curious Incident of the Dog in Nighttime- Mark Haddon

Crackers and Milk- Arlene Nelson

Animal, Vegetable, Miracle- Barbara Kingsolver**

The Book Thief- Markus Zusak**

Last Child in the Woods- Richard Louv

The Shack- Wm Paul Young

The Tipping Point- Malcolm Gladwell

Angry Housewives Eating Bon-bons- Lorna Landvick

Three Cups of Tea- Greg Mortenson**

Get to Work- Linda R Hirshman

2008:

The Story of Edgar Sawtelle- David Wroblewski

19 Minutes- Jodi Picoult

The Ten Year Nap- Meg Wolitzer

Love in the Time of Cholera- Gabriel Garcia

Plum Wine- Angela Davis-Gardner

Kitchen Confidential- Anthony Bourdain

Shop Girl- Steve Martin

Water For Elephants- Sara Gruen**

Red Tent- Anita Deamant**

Kite Runner- Khaled Hosseini**

2007:

Eat Pray Love- Elizabeth Gilbert

Mango Season- Amulya Malladi

Life of Pi- Yann Martel**

Memory Keeper’s Daughter- Kim Edwards

Secret Life of Bees- Sue Monk Kidd**

Plan B- Anne Lamott

Glass Castle- Jeanette Walls**

Bel Canto- Anne Patchett

If you do start a group of your own, be sure to let me know how it's going. Happy reading!

Things I Hate That Everyone Else Loves (And Vice Versa)

Things I just don't get that everyone else loves:

*those stretchy headband things that everyone wears with pony tails- they won't stay on my head!

*Twilight movies (the books were good, but I wasn't ga-ga over them either)

*Harry Potter movies

*Science fiction anything

*Cadbury eggs (caramel ones are a different story)

*black licorice

*The Office (actually don't hate it... just have never seen it)

*SYTYCD, Dancing with the Stars, American Idol, Surviver, et al (never watch them)

*(the idea of a) Kindle- I love physically holding a book, thumbing through, looking back, reading the summary, gazing at the author's photo...

*flats/ballet slippers (either too big or too small, make my feet sweaty/slippery)

*Disney anything

*licensed character anything

*anything that has to do with mailing packages or the post office

*shaving (still haven't done it since Christmas...)

*Pancake Sunday (meh. I'm over it.)

*Peeps

*Soda, especially diet

*participating in any kind of activity that involves going down a hill at a fast speed.

Things I love that everyone else hates usually doesn't love:

*Dooce

*Oprah (I do. I really, really love Oprah.)

*Vegetables (well, at least everyone in this household hates them)

*being pregnant (loved)

*breastfeeding (swoon) (I seriously LOVED it) (even with twins!)

*wearing hats

*folding laundry (not putting it away though)

*late summer bedtimes for the kids (exhausting at times, but that extra family time every evening is wonderful)

*any kind of spice or flavor to my food (again, pertains to my housemates only)

*melty ice cream (I mentioned this once and couldn't believe how many folks DESPISE melty ice cream.)

*driving on I-90 from here to the Black Hills (not much to see, sure, but familiar and comforting to me)

*Melissa Gilbert's biography

Out Like a Lamb

At the beginning of March, we still had several feet of snow, the girls were wearing full winter gear to school every day (parkas, snow pants, winter boots, hats, and mittens), and it seemed as if warmer days may never EVER be reality. (See here, for example.)

Now, only a few weeks later, all of our snow is gone. Snow gear is put away. Light jackets or fleeces have replaced the winter gear. They wear shoes to school instead of boots.

The forecast this week calls for several (did you see that? S-E-V-E-R-A-L) days of 70 degrees.

We are planning a cook out.

We are riding bikes every day.

We are playing outside- sans coats!- with friends frequently.

The (formerly dreaded, but now not so bad) trampoline has been reassembled for the season and is in daily use. And you know, there are several ways to utilize a trampoline:

Signs of Easter are everywhere. For example, look at my secret stash, and you'll see jelly beans. (Sweet tart are my favorite.) And Cadbury Eggs (mini caramal, all the way). Also on Saturday, we participated in our first egg hunt.

A couple of our daughters even transformed into Easter-bunny-esque type creatures.

For a month that started out so very much like WINTER, I dare say it is spring.

Right now, the girls and I are walking to our elementary school for a book fair, and I'm contemplating how to dress. I'm afraid I'll be too hot in a fleece but not warm enough without it.

It's a seasonal hazard, I suppose, this never quite knowing how to dress.

...But we'll take it!

Strolling

I swear, the kitten seems to really love this. Now matter how rough or bumpy the ride is, or how fast or crazy they steer, she just lounges in there, dozing, batting at things, or cleaning herself.


We really lucked out the in the cat department. Our other cat is gentle, but also very shy and skittish, so it's great to have a pet that's actually, you know, A PET.

I Think Orange Is Her Color