Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Reflecting


That's what I've been doing today... reflecting.

About why I always feel so strongly that I have to do the "right" thing. All the time. That's a lot of pressure, ya know?

About why it drives me _so_ crazy to be misunderstood. I know that my intentions are (and were) good; I've tried to communicate that. Shouldn't that be enough?

About what the "real" issues are... sure, we have specific things we are arguing about, but what's behind it all? What is it really about, and why is so upsetting?

I tossed and turned all night- over a conflict that WEEKS old now- and then decided to write Girlfriend a long, articulate, as-nice-as-I-can-muster-without-kissing-her-ass email.

Then I sent to Seester, to see what she thought. (Bitch never called me back.) (It's like she had better things to do- like go to work!- than read a lengthy email. The nerve!)

At first, I totally intended to send it. Now I'm leaning towards not.

In writing it, I feel much more organized in my thinking and much more clear about it all. I can feel the brain cells settling down a bit, easing back into a comfortable hum instead of the lather I had them in yesterday. I feel calmer, less edgy.

So maybe I don't need to send it. Perhaps writing it was enough.

So, now I'm reflecting on my intent in writing it. And what my intent would be if I sent it. And what my intent is overall.

Actually, that last one is easy: my intent is to maintain a good relationship with my father. But I'm not sure where to go now with his girlfriend. I'm not sure how to handle someone who has so much influence on my dad, and who also thinks I suck. Well, not only that I suck, but that I suck ON PURPOSE.

I'm still reflecting on that one.


(My Curious-George-underpants-clad, Mardi-Gras-bead-wearing, yogurt-tube-eating little Marin is doing a whole different kind of reflecting today. Frankly, I like her version better.)

(Tree is coming down soon.)

6 comments:

Swistle said...

Here is something that both DOES and DOES NOT make me feel better in such situations: that some people are LITERALLY UNABLE to understand logical and reasonable explanations, and that some people are for some reason unknown to us UNWILLING to understand logical and reasonable explanations, and that no number of logical and reasonable explanations will have any effect on them at all. This is simultaneously reassuring (I can't do anything else to improve this situation) and depressing (HOW CAN THIS BE THE CASE??).

Shelly Overlook said...

I say send it only if it makes YOU feel better and not because you truly expect to change her or have it make a difference. Do it for your own benefit, not for hers or even your dad's. You know in your heart/mind what happened and you know you were not wrong. It sounds as if she is the type of person that no matter what you say, in the end she's going to think what she's going to think. In which case I lean toward, don't bother.

clueless but hopeful mama said...

I love what Swistle wrote up there and Shelly's got a good point, too. Some people have got such seriously messed up heads that they can't/won't ever understand where you're coming from, no matter how well you spell it out for them.

This just sucks, my dear. There's probably some grief in there, no? About losing some access to your dad, having this woman and the dynamic she causes fundamentally alter your relationship with him. I'm so sorry for that.

Lurking seester said...

Sorry I didn't call! I decided that driving thru the zero visibility blizzard today on my way to work was not a good time to multi-task... The email is good- your not sugar coating anything but your not out of line and just being mean because you are reacting on emotion.. you have had time to think this thru and say exactly what you mean..however, if your hoping to resolve anything and make things better- I say don't send...If you just need to in order to move on, send it..

Marie Green said...

Didn't send it... but I still HAVE it, in case that shit bubbles up again.

Sarah said...

This is a GREAT idea- don't send it now, since you're not feeling the need. But KEEP it, and then if you ever need that well thought out missive in a time when you're bubbling over with rage, you'll have it at the ready!
(I, um, may have done this once or twice myself. I threw the letter away only after a YEAR had passed and I finally felt that I was not going to need to ever send it.)