Tired

Here's the thing about being tired all the time.

It really sucks.

Well, that part is a no-brainer, I'm sure. But yet, I feel like I need to express it. Because it sucks. So much.

I don't know if I'm still anemic or have CFS or dying of some other malady altogether, but I'm still soooo tired alllll the time.

I wake in the morning, and I'm tired.

I power through breakfast, getting-ready-for-school routine- still tired. I make and drink coffee. Still tired. Take Marin on errands, to playgroup, park her in front of the t.v. Still tired.

We eat lunch. By now, I'm exhausted, from fighting The Tired all morning. Some days, I can barely pull something out of the fridge for Marin to eat for lunch. The fatigue is weighing my arms down, allowing me to think only about laying down. I sit there, willing her to eat faster, aching for my bed.

I put her down for a nap and, quite literally, collapse. I cannot move for even one more second- The Tired has completely consumed me. It has won.

I sleep. Usually I sleep so hard I drool. And have dreams. Often it takes me a second to remember where I am when I wake up. I don't sleep for long, lately. Maybe 30-45 minutes. When I wake up I am still tired, but I feel renewed enough to fight The Tired for awhile again.

I start watching the clock. Three comes around much faster than I ever thought it would before having kids in school. I start giving myself a pep talk. Today, I will be present when they get home. We'll do something fun even! I'll make them a hot snack!

Tick, tick, tick. They should be home any minute now. I can feel The Tired starting to gain on me. I'm still fighting though. I drink a glass of water, hoping that today I'm feeling low on energy because I'm dehydrated! I just need more fluid! And I'll feel better!

My body starts aching, asking me to sit down, to lay down.

The kids are home, and I have big smiles for them; I ask them about their day. The snack I was going to whip up didn't happen, but they are fine with fish crackers. I remember something about a fun project? But it's all fuzzy now, as I'm more and more tired. Instead, we settle in front of the t.v. I doze a little. Or I bring out the laptop to help keep me awake.

After resting with the girls for awhile, Marin wakes up. I help her get a snack. My energy is better now, since I was so still for awhile. I start thinking about dinner. I tell the girls to turn off the t.v. We work on their homework or their spelling words while I cook. I'm so glad I took a nap today. On days when I don't, I am so exhausted by dinner time that I sometimes weep in despair.

David is almost home now, and I start to feel victorious. I made it through another day, and soon the children will be in bed and I can just be still. I actually have the most energy in the evenings... perhaps knowing I won't be fighting against exhaustion helps me feel relieved. No more conserving energy.

I spend the evening doing "my" things: catching up on DVR'd shows, messing around on the internet, reading. David works on his computer Every. Night. But it's ok, because I don't have the energy for conversation.

When I go to bed, I usually fall asleep instantly. I sleep hard, have few problems with going or staying asleep. However, when I wake in the morning, I will still be tired.

+++++++++++

Some days are better than described above. Some are much worse.

I know this may sound like depression. But it's different from that. I want to do things, I plan to do things, I look forward to doing things... but I just don't have the energy to do the things I desire.

It's not just a sleepiness that overcomes me. It's a whole-body exhaustion. My mind can be awake and active and planning and getting excited and looking forward... and then my body refuses to cooperate.

I've been to the doctor. I've had blood drawn. I'm going back, will hopefully leave with more answers.

But for now, I'm tired. And it sucks.