Tuesday, January 12, 2010

A Place in the Sun

Having lunch with David and basking in the warmth of the sun.

After a couple of weeks of bitter, bitter cold, it has finally "warmed" to a respectable 30 degrees above zero, thankyouverymuch, and so to celebrate, Marin and I went outside today. It was super-exciting, running errands while not simultaneously freezing a lung. Or two.

And the snow was- dare I say- melting. Wheee!

While we were out, we swung by the thrift store, where we each got a book or two, and I found a darling vintage apron. And Marin insisted on dragging home a small teddy bear, which is against Thrift Shopping Rules (used stuffed animals ew, ew, ew), but this one was particularly clean, so.

The funny thing about our Tiny Town thrift store is their math. Which is to say, they don't believe in math. Much of their items are not marked individually, but going by the signs posted, our total should have been around $3.50 minimum. Instead, as always, the clerk glanced at our small stash of finds, punched some numbers into the cash register, and said stoically "That will be one dollar and fifty cents."

Now matter how you dice it- mysterious sales, etc- there is NO WAY our total should have been $1.50. I've tried to valiantly to explain this to them in the past, but Nope. The cash register says I owe $1.50 and that is ALL they will take. NO FIGHTING WITH THE ALMIGHTY REGISTER. (But, I sputter, you just punched those numbers in! And it should be more!... You want to buy more stuff? he says. I have a whole store. *Giant sweeping of arms*.)

So today, I didn't argue. Marin and I were late for a lunch date with David, so we paid and left.


Thank you, for all your perfectly pitched concern yesterday. To be honest, I had no idea- or at least I hadn't admitted it to myself- how "bad" it was. I have been living like this for a long, long time, so it has become very easy to stop questioning and just... carry on.

Also, I think a small (irrational, sure) part of my brain says that being tired equates being lazy. And so therefore, if I were not so lazy, I would not be so tired. Or that, somehow, The Tired was all a major personality defect. Or that it was all my fault... like I was/am doing something to cause The Tired.

So I've fought a mighty battle against it, and I've faked it A TON, but it's always been there. Rationing my energy is always on my mind; every decision I make involves how I'm going to spend that day's supply.

Seeing it there, in black and white on my screen, and then reading your reactions was the affirmation that I needed. Both in admitting to myself how much of a struggle it is, and in hearing from you how abnormal it sounded.

So basically, I'm so glad that I wrote about it, because it has made the situation SO MUCH more clear to me- that it is INDEED a medical issue that must be addressed. I will have so much more clarity when I next speak to my doctor.

(Doctor's appointments can be a giant abyss of questions and sheets to fill out and blood pressure and step on this scale and go in the third door on the left and waiting, waiting, waiting, and how do feel since you've been off Zoloft? and then *poof* beforeyaknowit, you really don't remember what you're there for.)

I know how to be a good advocate for myself, but sometimes I need to clarify what I'm advocating for.

Kisses all around... ya'll are the best!


Sarah said...

Oh I know what you mean about thinking Tired equals Lazy. Like, if you don't have a legitimate reason to be tired, like a nursing baby or a sick kid up all night, then you feel like a tool saying how tired you are, or taking a nap, or getting nothing done all day. Oh hi, I don't have an actual "job" job right now, none of my kids are babies or sick, I slept eight hours last night, and yes, I'm exhausted.
I mean, this only happens to me occasionally, not EVERY DAY like for you, but I too feel silly even thinking it to myself, because it does feel kind of wimpy and pathetic. My brain wants to sniff disdainfully at my complaints and say, "Buck up!" even if other people are perfectly nice about it and suggest I take a nap.

Marie Green said...

Thanks, Sarah. I've known I've been tired for a long time, and I've done some things to fix it (to no avail). But I guess until I wrote that, I didn't REALLY TRY to get to the bottom of it, b/c part of me was saying it was my fault or that I was lazy.

Now, instead of poking around in the dark and hoping to feel out an answer, I'm going to be more direct about figuring it all out.

Erin said...

I'm catching up here and will just say, YES, what they all said already. That achey tired feeling is just plain awful. I really feel for you.