Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Great Divide

What's hardest about this whole conflict with David (besides the wanting and not having a baby, of course) is that we can't agree. I'm not used to us being unable to reach an agreement, being on different pages- nay, different mountains- with a huge gorge between us. It's an odd feeling, unfamiliar, and it makes me feel lost in my own life. When it comes down to making big life decisions, David has been my compass, my thermometer, my touch stone, and now the readings on all of my gages are wonky and confusing.

Because we are usually so in tune with each other, I feel unsettled about the outcome our conflict no matter what happens. Not having a baby is scary in that I'm afraid the emptiness will never leave me. But. Having a baby seems scary now that I can't see the direction we are going or the temperature of the situation.

Even worse, I'm not sure how I'm going to find my way back to David.

I know- wamp, wamp, sad trombone. At least I'm not melodramatic, like, at all.

Really, in many ways we're fine- I know we're fine. We're not seeing eye to eye, but things are hardly DIRE. We're not fighting or yelling or actively miserable. No one is packing a suitcase or sleeping on the couch. We'll get through this.

(But wait, I take that back. I am actually pretty miserable.)

On the other hand, I always wonder what it could be that might tip the scale, that might be the beginning of our undoing. Even though I have all the faith in the world in our marriage, I believe that so do most people who have faced a divorce- or at least they did at one time. My fears about divorce are broad based- not actually due to the specifics of this situation- because I don't want to be that person that believes that could never be MOI. We are not above divorce; we are not divorce-proof, not anymore than anyone else is. Which is to say, I don't think any marriage is completely divorce-proof.


On top of everything, I just miss him. Because- get this- now he's not speaking to me. Oh, silent treatment. You are so effective. (SNORT)


Becky said...

Why is he not speaking to you? He's getting his way (at least at the moment). I feel like that would annoy me almost more than his veto power.
I was thinking more about you guys today. About how I would feel if Ryan told me he didn't want any more kids now that we have one. I would be devastated . I know it won't happen; we are in agreement on at least 2. But I would like 3 or 4, and he's not really on board with that yet, so I have a feeling we'll get there.
I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. I hope it gets better.
I did want to note, though, that you have a better chance of your marriage surviving this, simply because you want it to. Many marriages that end in divorce, it's because the people aren't interested in trying to make it work anymore. I'm not judging them, because in some cases that is the right decision. But it does mean they are more likely to get divorced than the couple who is really committed to each other and has one (significant, but hopefully not insurmountable) problem.

Maggie said...

I totally get this post. When my husband told me in 2007 that he didn't want to have a second child I was totally upset, but also confused because generally we see things the same way. I felt not only hurt but also like I'd just stepped into some big hole I didn't even realize was there. We finally worked out the baby thing, but I still get that unexpected hole feeling (that sounds dirtier than it should...) whenever my husband and I disagree on something big - it's completely unnerving after 13 years together.

Jess said...

This sums up exactly why the end result isn't the only issue in a conflict. If you had to resort to threatening him with divorce to get him to agree to another child, even though you would end up with the child you wanted, there would still be major issues in your marriage. Which is why we often want the impossible--our partner to come to certain conclusions on his own rather than through coercion, debate, etc. And I imagine it's even harder when you just aren't used to not coming to similar conclusions on your own, or together. Torsten and I have never had an issue like this--baby naming aside--and I can only imagine how upsetting it will be the first time we do hit a wall and have to figure out how to get around it.

I do have faith that you will find your way back, though. The fact that you miss him is a good sign. You will find your way through/around/over this wall, one way or another. But I have to ask... WHY isn't he talking to you? The way you described the conversation sounded like you were both just presenting your feelings on the topic. Somehow this has pissed him off the point of giving you the silent treatment? How did THAT happen?

d e v a n said...

Jess's comment was awesome.

I just want to say WTF? Why is he giving you the silent treatment!?
Although, it obviously took you less time to notice.

Tess said...

Oh, dude. I wish it was possible to convey my intense DISLIKE of this situation, but simultaneous LIKE of these posts.

I think there are certain things that DO put an irreparable dent in a relationship, but it's just a dent, you know? It's not like you totalled the car. And show me a 10, 15, 20 year-old car without any dents, and I'll show you one that's never left the garage.

Also, I've read SO MUCH relationship hoo ha in the last several years, and the one thing that stuck with me most was a therapist who said that he could predict relationship demise with 90% accuracy when one thing was present: contempt. You just so obviously do NOT hold each other in that regard.

Anyway, I really appreciate your willingness to talk about your marriage (so little REAL marriage stuff out there, so much pussyfooting).

Erica said...

Wow. Jess's comment really hit home and made me rethink my comment from the other day. So, um, never mind all that, k?

Anyhow, this post has sparked an idea in my mind for a post. I hope you don't mind if I springboard?

Also, I wish I had something clever to say to help you feel better. But, as Jess has demonstrated, I'm kind of dumb about this stuff.

Marie Green said...

Jess- YES, it's feels absolutely GROSS to "force" him into changing his mind. I have no desire to "get my way" under those circumstances.

Everyone else- I have NO IDEA why he's not talking to me now (b/c he's not talking to me, and I have too much pride to ask... god we are GENIUSES on relationships!). It's probably because I was being mean and immature during our "talk". "Just go get a vasectomy then." "I don't want to have a baby with you anymore." ETC.

Tess- I like you "dented car" analogy. Perfect. And no, we don't have contempt for each other. WHEW.

Erica- springboard away, I'll look forward to reading it!

d e v a n said...

Brilliant Tess! Love the car analogy.

Marie Green- ((hug))

Lawyerish said...

Gosh, I wish I had anything even remotely helpful to say, but really I just want to give you a huge hug.

Saly said...

Ok, I've been lurking via Swistle's links and man if I don't feel like I'm caught up in this with you too.

I love what Tess and Jess had to say. And as someone going through my own sort of rough patch (that I haven't written or spoken about) I totally get you here. And I hope you find your way back to each other too.

Swistle said...

Ohhhhhhhh, this just HURTS.

And I totally agree with you about no marriage being divorce-proof, and I think pretty often it's something someone wouldn't expect that starts a marriage tearing apart. Er, not that I mean it sounds like it with YOUR marriage---I just mean that as a separate concept, I completely agree with you about marriages and marriage problems.

Swistle said...

Oh, I love what Tess said! YES. We've had a couple baby/pregnancy-related dents, and it looks like they probably will just be dents. If we can keep them from, like, rusting out the whole car. ACK, I am feeling so LOW about all this. I want him to have a change of heart! And I want him to have it right now!

Bethsix said...

Totally get it. I've been married for 12 years, and I feel like we're pretty solid, but what you said is exactly it. EVERYONE who has gone through a divorce or separation thought this at one point. It's not like it SCARES me or anything, but it's disconcerting. No one is immune.

I hope you get to a better place soon. :)

Jenny said...

I think that when I started feeling resentment towards my husband on the whole no more baby thing was not only that we didn't come to some sort of agreement (OR even "we'll talk about this again in the future with a perhaps different outcome) but more that he could see how important it was to me, how MUCH I felt about the issue and he still was just, like, no. I mean, it's not even like, wah I didn't get my way, but more like, you seriously won't consider this? For ME? Not even consider???

That's hard.

I think there are always some levels of resentment in marriage, some big, some small, some come and go, and some always lie there quietly under the surface. How much is too much, how big is too big to ignore, make the best of, move on?

clueless but hopeful mama said...

It's so hard to find a balance between turning toward one another to protect and nurture your relationship and doing your own work and thinking and healing in your own space.

Maybe he's thinking? By himself?

(Thinking of you. Not easy, this stuff. Not at all.)