Brutal Existance

I've taken an unannounced and unexpected bloggy break, busy as I am fantasizing about sleep. It's all consuming right now- the need for more and the trying to see through the sandpaper eyelids. The details are fuzzy even to me- it goes something like this: Marin, blah blah ear infection blah screaming all night blah blah thrush blah blah antibiotics done blah blah more screaming at night blah blah Dr says ears look fine blah more screaming at night blah, well baby exam show raging infections is both ears-AGAIN blah blah more thrush, this time in diaper area too blah blah blah.

To think I entertained the idea of NaPloBloMo!

So I haven't written because all I could think of to say was how flipping tired I am! And how boring Grey's Anatomy has been lately! My laundry is piling up a la Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout!

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I have been thinking about the power of authority. I have long chided myself for having a self proclaimed "problem with authority". I don't want to be told what to do, I get defensive, and I don't trust people just because I "should". This is not my loveliest trait.

Recently, we've had medical issues from hell. Navigating the medical industry is a nightmare- even more so for people with my affliction. I've really been challenged to let some go- to stop questioning everything, to just do what the damn doctors says for once, without getting all pissed and frustrated and ugly.

I remember in college learning about a study about the power of authority. (Sorry, I'm too lazy to google it for you. What? You already got the Silverstein poem above!) The subjects were told they were part of a "memory study" and they were to ask questions to their counterpart, who were behind a wall, but within hearing distance. If they got the question wrong, the questioner was to give them an electric shock. With every wrong answer, the electric shock increased until the screaming was unbearable. But still, the questioners continued to give the shock, because they were told to. Now, in reality, no shock was being given. It was really just a test to see how far a person would go, harming another person, because an authority figure told them it was ok. Would you continue to give the shock? At what point would you opt out of the study, because you felt horrible inflicting pain?

Most people in the study (all people? I can't really remember) continued to give the shock. Because they were told to.

This gives me goosebumps.

And yet, even with my "problem with authority", I fell victim to this. Marin, shortly after going off of her antibiotic started screaming all night again. Her doctor wasn't available, so I took her in to a different doctor, thinking her ear infection was back. Different doctor said Nope, ears are F-I-N-E. Yet she continued to scream at night. Did I take her back in? No, I did not. How long did she scream at night? TWO WEEKS. And then she had her well baby visit, where her regular doctor said both ears looked awful. AWFUL.

I was so excited! YES! We have an answer to why she can't sleep! Better yet- there is a treatment that will cure her (antibiotics), and she will start sleeping!

But how long would I have waited before taking her back in? See, a DOCTOR told me she was fine, that her ears were fine, so I'll be damned if I'm going to go back AGAIN only to be told she is fine. Why is that so humiliating/frustrating/maddening? I always feel so validated when my kid has something diagnosable, and so stupid when they are "fine" or it's "just a virus". Why do I give a sh*t what the doctors think of me? Why, when they say she is "fine" but she clearly ISN'T, do I not question that, take her back in, insist on some answers?

Now, in my defense, she was not running a fever during this time. Back when I was in Mommy 101, running a fever was a sure sign of infection. But still.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to my regular schedule of eating vast amounts of sugar as a way of self-medicating my sleepy/irritated body.