Memo

(This is a rant. You have been warned.)

To: Dad and Mel
From: Marie and family
RE: How to treat us when we drive 550 miles to visit you

Dad-
I thought you'd been on the planet enough years to figure out the following, but your recent actions have proven me wrong. Here is an instruction guide, for your future use.

-When you ask if my twins can spend the night with you, and I pack them up and drive 45 minutes from Mom's place to yours, DO NOT leave 12 seconds after supper to go to Mel's kid's soccer game. For one, it's rude to leave guests sitting around at your place. Also, you see this kid EVERY WEEK, and you only see us a few times a year, so um? Priorities?

-In fact, the soccer thing in general really stings, for me and all of your children. Mel's son has a soccer game 3x's a week- and you go to EVERY GAME. My sister, your daughter, had a weekly softball game all summer and you went how many times? That's right. ZERO. Do you see how your "devotion" to this kid is insulting to the rest of us? Especially me and my family, who never get to spend time with you?

-Your girlfriend, Mel, can stop humping my leg anytime now. It's not going to make me like her more. In fact, it tempts me to kick her.

-When your grandchild, June, has her baptism and first birthday party, it is not acceptable for you to show up for 1 hour and then LEAVE to go to SOCCER, skipping the birthday party all together. Again, it makes all of us feel like you are choosing Mel's kid over your own. I think it was wise to not bring Mel to the baptism, but it wouldn't kill either of you to spend a day apart. As for her feeling "left out"- a) no one said she couldn't come and b) sometimes there are consequences for one's actions. The two of you having an affair while still married has consequences- like not being able to be joined at the hip for certain family gatherings. Yes, the choices the two of you made DO have lasting effects on many people.

Mel-
-Please stop humping my leg. It makes me feel weird.

-I will put up with you smothering my children- children you barely know- with kisses and whatever, if you will allow my dad to spend time with us when he has the chance. Instead of staying home "feeling left out" from the baptism, tell him "Go, be with your family today. I'll be fine." Say, "You belong with your kids today. Have fun." Do not say "Be home in one hour so we can go to the soccer game." GO BY YOURSELF FOR ONCE.

-If you invite my children to spend the night, do NOT encourage my father to leave with you for an 8pm soccer game minutes after we arrive. Instead, go BY YOURSELF.

-Do not tell my children they smell like pee. Yes, they do sleep in pull-up and pee while sleeping, but that's why I pack baby wipes. Please don't bathe them, and I repeat, do not tell them they smell like pee.

-Also, while we are on the subject of Inappropriate Things Said By Mel, please refrain from telling my sister that she's gained weight. I cannot think of a single earthly reason why this would be considered acceptable.

+++++++++++

So, while we're on the bright and shiny subject of my dad, let's play a game! My dad knows I am upset with him. After he left the baptism to go to soccer, knowing that it pissed us all off, he hasn't contacted me since. That was Saturday. He has no idea when we are going home and has not attempted to call me to find out if we can see each other one more time before we leave. Instead, knowing him like I do, he's waiting for me to call him. I'm mad, and rightfully so, so I'm not going to call him.

So, Dad, the ball is in your court. How many days of silence on my end will it take for you to get the guts to pick up the phone and call me? We'll call today Day 1, even though it's been 4 days since I've talked to you...