Winter Blahs

For the last week plus, our thermometers have topped out each day in the 30's, sometimes even the 40's. Things were unseasonably warm and melty. The air smelled like thawing soil.

Coincidentally, I have been feeling all "ha, ha, HA. Winter is not kicking my ass this year. And I'm not even on vitimin Z!*"

*that would be code for Zoloft.

Well. Turns out the two were related.

This week we are back to our (typical) single digits, with wind chills making it feel like it's below zero. And SNAP!, just like that, I'm feeling like winter will never, ever end, and I'll be inside my static-y, dry-aired, stale-smelling house forever and ever and ever and EVER and....

*downward mental spiral*

I did look back on my photos from last winter, and there is ACTUAL PROOF that we had several warm days in March. No coat days, even.

On the day pictured above, we became hot enough on our walk home from the still-frozen lake that we had to shed our (light weight) jackets. And notice they are wearing rain boots instead of snow boots? I remember that gloriously warm day well.

March isn't that far off.

I can make it to March.

I think.

Lingering Regrets

Sundry wrote a post today about having a bad parenting day. I think my comment sums up what I wanted to post about today quite nicely:

God, I was just telling the ladies at playgroup this morning that I had one of those days last Friday, and it left such an ugly SOUR taste of bitter regret in my mouth that I felt a tiny bit down about it all day on Saturday, which was the girls’ birthday.

I yelled at them on Friday so loudly and furiously and out-of-control-ly that I hurt my vocal cords. And then I ordered all three of them to their rooms, where I then proceeded to swat each of their butts once as they walked by me, cowering.

I loose my temper a lot, but this was soooo… extreme, considering the offense(s). They were just mildly bickering, a soft static undertone to the entire day (school canceled due to storm), and I suddenly couldn’t stand it for one more second.

It still makes me sad. And, though every other aspect of being med-free has been wonderful, it makes me wonder if I *DO* need that stupid effing zoloft after all.

Seven

On Saturday, these young ladies turned 7 years old.

Seven! Seven years ago, I was a brand new mama- to twins, no less!- and I could not have been more terrified.

The past seven years, under the tutelage of Profs. Kate and Joan Green, I have learned more about love, patience, devotion, and patience (did I mention patience? EMPHASIS ON PATIENCE) than I could have ever imagined.

I've learned that the reason that I have so much to learn about patience is not because of anything they are or are not doing, but because of my own shortcomings as a person.

I think it's safe to say that all-in-all I've learned more about myself, than anything else.

So, with two three very excited little girls- and their dolls!- in tow, we headed to the American Girl Bistro, to celebrate in "Spoiled American" style. (That's, um, how *I* describe it. I don't think the folks at the bistro describe it that way at all.)

Since freezing rain and snow and other non-below-zero weather has been plaguing the area for the past week, my mom was not able to make it for the celebration.

Fret not, however. The nice folks at the American Girl store were happy to take all of her money and put together a GINORMOUS gift for the girls, which was waiting at our table when we arrived.

(I was embarrassed enough by the gluttony of it that I removed the bags for the photo.)

(You should have seen the girls' eyes when they saw those gift bags, though!)

So we had lunch with three plastic dolls. Wherein the dolls (the dolls!) got waited on right along with the people. I have to hand it to them, they've thought of everything. I also have to admit that it was a very sweet experience, and everyone was very kind.

And then we went on rides at the Mall of American theme park.

For about 12 hours.

No, really.

(The girls both got a free wristband because it was their birthday. Totally worth it, especially when you have twins. Sorta makes me want to go back in time and unslap all those folks that oh-so-originally quipped "Twins! Two for the price of one!")

(Because- and I'm sorry to spell this out for you but I can't help it- twins are 99.9% of the time NOT two for the price of one. They are usually DOUBLE the price of one child.)

Anyway! Rides!

They had a blast; they really did. Some very good friends of ours were able to join us, and none of our five girls could wipe the grin off her face. They were all drunk with happiness and glee.

But 12 hours! At the Mall of America!

(I'm still recovering.)

They had a fantastic day, despite the fact that they both went to bed sobbing- at almost 11 pm- because their legs/feet hurt.

My feet hurt too! It was a big day. A long day.

And even though we spent so much time celebrating them, I still can't believe they are my daughters. My beautiful, smart, long-legged, looking more different all the time, seven year old daughters.

*Sigh* Seven...

(More) Family Douchebaggery

Yesterday, my brother updated his status on fb to say: "2010, Year of the Conservative Revolution. Congrats to Scott Brown, and thank you Massachusetts. God Bless America."

To which I replied "I just barfed".

He then said "You know, I don't need flaming liberals in my life. Sorry sis."

And then he DELETED ME FROM HIS FRIEND LIST*. And the question begs, am I also deleted from his real life? He did say "in my life". Hmmm.

*It must be pointed out: he could have just deleted my comment.

I guess the lesson here is that he is such a delicate flower that he cannot handle having ANYONE with opposing views in his fragile little existence. Had I known I was dealing with someone so dainty and weak, I would have tread much more carefully.

I guess I was fooled by his egotistical nature. He *seems* strong and even much like a bully. Had I known how frail he was I would never have dared caused him such stress. I mean, imagine it! Not even the strength to deal with different opinions! How dare I jar his world so! Poor guy!

Also, someone should tell him that when he makes public statements in a forum that actively allows comments- such as a status update with a built-in "comment" button- that he MAY OCCASIONALLY GET COMMENTS that are slightly different from his own opinions. I mean, I know it's hard to imagine, but it sometimes happens, & even the weakest among us must face this fact.

Or, you know, not update with such inflammatory statements.

So, now I'm off to hit publish and hope to hell he doesn't find this blog.

*fingers crossed*

P.S. Everyone has a GENETIC RELATION that boggles the mind, right? RIGHT??? Please say yes.

Answer

When the phone finally rang at 4:30 yesterday afternoon, I already knew that I had mastitis. The nurse explained to me that "it couldn't possibly be", tried to explain it as a rash, and reluctantly made me an appointment for 9:45 this morning.

I was slightly feverish, achy, and had red streaks on my breast. I went into work (easier than staying at home, sometimes), and felt worse and worse at the minutes ticked by.

Urgent care got me right in, promptly diagnosed me with- yep!- mastitis, and sent me on my merry way with a prescription and an appointment for a follow-up visit. You know, JUST IN CASE. (Insert worries about Inflammatory Breast Cancer here).

I could barely even hold my own head up while waiting for my drugs at Walgreens. By the time I drove 30 miles home- through gawd awful fog- all I could think was bed. Bed bed bed bed bed.

This morning I was so. much. worse. Even with 2 doses of the antibiotic coursing through my veins, I literally couldn't even sit up for more than 5 minutes. Now all I could think was die. Die die die die die.

I have not breast fed Marin for nearly 20 months. (Insert jokes about secretly breastfeeding my husband here.) Even so, I still presented with a textbook case of mastitis. Only, this time it was much worse than when I had it before, probably because I had to wait ALL. DAMN. DAY. yesterday to get medication.

(Thank you, dr's. office, for your prompt reply!)

My favorite part? Calling the nurse back this morning and explaining I needed to cancel my 9:45 appt. because I was TOO SICK last night to wait until today. And then telling her that YES I DO have mastitis. Her response? "Well, urgent care must see more of these cases than we do." Oh, yes, I'm sure they do, YE WHO SPECIALIZES IN WOMEN'S HEALTH.

And actually, my OB/GYN office is usually golden for patient care. Which is why, when they drop the ball even just a little bit, I am shocked. Because they are supposed to be (and usually are) perfect! The fact that I felt like I had been hit by a car could have been making me a teensy bit crabby as well.

Anyhow, Marin is safely installed at her grandma's house. I've been upright for the past 30 minutes. And I even canceled my FedEx supply of cyanide pills.

I think I'm going to make it after all.

Question

Is it possible to get mastitis when you are not breastfeeding, and you haven't been breastfeeding in over 18 months?

I woke with a red, swollen, very tender breast. And achy muscles....

Delurk

As you know, if you read any blogs besides this one, today is what we bloggers call Delurking Day in this grand and mysterious place of interweb writing.

I am hesitant to participate for a couple of reasons. First, lurking- to me- is something best left to the bottom of the ocean. Or perhaps what a Peeping Tom does in your bushes as he waits to peer through your windows. And I don't want to insinuate that if you are reading here, and not commenting, that you are wasting away on the dark, deep ocean floor somewhere. Or crouching out in my (totally overgrown and under-groomed) hedges. I prefer to think of you as "hanging out" or "passing through" or... well, lot of things besides LURKING. *shutter*

...And there's another reason I don't want to ask you to delurk. It's because I'm... well, I'm... hmmmm. Let's see. How can I say this without looking and feeling like a total looser? Or like I'm sitting here trolling for compliments? Ok. I'll try again. I'm afraid to ask you to delurk becausewhatifnoonedoesandthenIlooksilly.

Whew. There. I said it. I'm afraid that the comments section will be one big long CRICKETS CHIRPING and I'll be all "....." and "....." and perhaps "....." Just sitting here, waiting for someone to say hi. Twirling my thumbs.

So, if you read here, and you usually don't add to the comments section? Would you please say hi? I am quite curious who you are, where you are from, and why you are here. Also, what is your favorite photograph (of either yourself or your family or whatever)? One of my all-time favorite photos is of Joan and Kate, naked, sitting on a white blanket at about 6 months.

(Thank you!)

P.S. The great and powerful spellcheck that this website provides- this blog hosting website- does not recognize the words "blogger", "delurk", or "interweb". Which are all Blogging Words. Way to go, Blogspot! You've got your corner of the internet COMPLETELY. FIGURED. OUT.

P.P.S. And now I just spellchecked again, and it also does not recognize "internet"! Or "spellcheck". Or, even more funny "blogspot"!

A Place in the Sun

Having lunch with David and basking in the warmth of the sun.

After a couple of weeks of bitter, bitter cold, it has finally "warmed" to a respectable 30 degrees above zero, thankyouverymuch, and so to celebrate, Marin and I went outside today. It was super-exciting, running errands while not simultaneously freezing a lung. Or two.

And the snow was- dare I say- melting. Wheee!

While we were out, we swung by the thrift store, where we each got a book or two, and I found a darling vintage apron. And Marin insisted on dragging home a small teddy bear, which is against Thrift Shopping Rules (used stuffed animals ew, ew, ew), but this one was particularly clean, so.

The funny thing about our Tiny Town thrift store is their math. Which is to say, they don't believe in math. Much of their items are not marked individually, but going by the signs posted, our total should have been around $3.50 minimum. Instead, as always, the clerk glanced at our small stash of finds, punched some numbers into the cash register, and said stoically "That will be one dollar and fifty cents."

Now matter how you dice it- mysterious sales, etc- there is NO WAY our total should have been $1.50. I've tried to valiantly to explain this to them in the past, but Nope. The cash register says I owe $1.50 and that is ALL they will take. NO FIGHTING WITH THE ALMIGHTY REGISTER. (But, I sputter, you just punched those numbers in! And it should be more!... You want to buy more stuff? he says. I have a whole store. *Giant sweeping of arms*.)

So today, I didn't argue. Marin and I were late for a lunch date with David, so we paid and left.

+++++++++++

Thank you, for all your perfectly pitched concern yesterday. To be honest, I had no idea- or at least I hadn't admitted it to myself- how "bad" it was. I have been living like this for a long, long time, so it has become very easy to stop questioning and just... carry on.

Also, I think a small (irrational, sure) part of my brain says that being tired equates being lazy. And so therefore, if I were not so lazy, I would not be so tired. Or that, somehow, The Tired was all a major personality defect. Or that it was all my fault... like I was/am doing something to cause The Tired.

So I've fought a mighty battle against it, and I've faked it A TON, but it's always been there. Rationing my energy is always on my mind; every decision I make involves how I'm going to spend that day's supply.

Seeing it there, in black and white on my screen, and then reading your reactions was the affirmation that I needed. Both in admitting to myself how much of a struggle it is, and in hearing from you how abnormal it sounded.

So basically, I'm so glad that I wrote about it, because it has made the situation SO MUCH more clear to me- that it is INDEED a medical issue that must be addressed. I will have so much more clarity when I next speak to my doctor.

(Doctor's appointments can be a giant abyss of questions and sheets to fill out and blood pressure and step on this scale and go in the third door on the left and waiting, waiting, waiting, and how do feel since you've been off Zoloft? and then *poof* beforeyaknowit, you really don't remember what you're there for.)

I know how to be a good advocate for myself, but sometimes I need to clarify what I'm advocating for.

Kisses all around... ya'll are the best!

Tired

Here's the thing about being tired all the time.

It really sucks.

Well, that part is a no-brainer, I'm sure. But yet, I feel like I need to express it. Because it sucks. So much.

I don't know if I'm still anemic or have CFS or dying of some other malady altogether, but I'm still soooo tired alllll the time.

I wake in the morning, and I'm tired.

I power through breakfast, getting-ready-for-school routine- still tired. I make and drink coffee. Still tired. Take Marin on errands, to playgroup, park her in front of the t.v. Still tired.

We eat lunch. By now, I'm exhausted, from fighting The Tired all morning. Some days, I can barely pull something out of the fridge for Marin to eat for lunch. The fatigue is weighing my arms down, allowing me to think only about laying down. I sit there, willing her to eat faster, aching for my bed.

I put her down for a nap and, quite literally, collapse. I cannot move for even one more second- The Tired has completely consumed me. It has won.

I sleep. Usually I sleep so hard I drool. And have dreams. Often it takes me a second to remember where I am when I wake up. I don't sleep for long, lately. Maybe 30-45 minutes. When I wake up I am still tired, but I feel renewed enough to fight The Tired for awhile again.

I start watching the clock. Three comes around much faster than I ever thought it would before having kids in school. I start giving myself a pep talk. Today, I will be present when they get home. We'll do something fun even! I'll make them a hot snack!

Tick, tick, tick. They should be home any minute now. I can feel The Tired starting to gain on me. I'm still fighting though. I drink a glass of water, hoping that today I'm feeling low on energy because I'm dehydrated! I just need more fluid! And I'll feel better!

My body starts aching, asking me to sit down, to lay down.

The kids are home, and I have big smiles for them; I ask them about their day. The snack I was going to whip up didn't happen, but they are fine with fish crackers. I remember something about a fun project? But it's all fuzzy now, as I'm more and more tired. Instead, we settle in front of the t.v. I doze a little. Or I bring out the laptop to help keep me awake.

After resting with the girls for awhile, Marin wakes up. I help her get a snack. My energy is better now, since I was so still for awhile. I start thinking about dinner. I tell the girls to turn off the t.v. We work on their homework or their spelling words while I cook. I'm so glad I took a nap today. On days when I don't, I am so exhausted by dinner time that I sometimes weep in despair.

David is almost home now, and I start to feel victorious. I made it through another day, and soon the children will be in bed and I can just be still. I actually have the most energy in the evenings... perhaps knowing I won't be fighting against exhaustion helps me feel relieved. No more conserving energy.

I spend the evening doing "my" things: catching up on DVR'd shows, messing around on the internet, reading. David works on his computer Every. Night. But it's ok, because I don't have the energy for conversation.

When I go to bed, I usually fall asleep instantly. I sleep hard, have few problems with going or staying asleep. However, when I wake in the morning, I will still be tired.

+++++++++++

Some days are better than described above. Some are much worse.

I know this may sound like depression. But it's different from that. I want to do things, I plan to do things, I look forward to doing things... but I just don't have the energy to do the things I desire.

It's not just a sleepiness that overcomes me. It's a whole-body exhaustion. My mind can be awake and active and planning and getting excited and looking forward... and then my body refuses to cooperate.

I've been to the doctor. I've had blood drawn. I'm going back, will hopefully leave with more answers.

But for now, I'm tired. And it sucks.

What I Did Today

What I did at home:

-wore a hat all day, one of my three turquoise hats, to stay warm

-had hat head, but didn't shower

-finished The Help and cried a little. Fantastic book...

-entered the Target sweepstakes to win a $5,000 Target gift card- for the third time

-had 2 children home early due to a winter storm

-talked briefly to EC Anne... and missed her terribly

-pulled Posie out of the dryer-for the 2nd time in her short life- while putting a wet load in... and was so thankful I didn't start the dryer with her inside

What I did on line:

-talked about how Marin, at the age of 40 months, has suddenly realized that SHE doesn't have a twin sister. It never occurred to her, until today, that she won't EVER have a twin sister. She was heartbroken- sobbing. Poor baby, I thought, as I felt my own heart break while ALSO trying not to laugh

-wrote a haiku for a friend of fb:

"Snowing and blowing

Please send food and strong liquor

Wait, I'm off to ski"

(please note, HE skis... not me. THAT is a whole 'nother post.)

-felt inspired to write a blog post of Winter Haiku... until I realized I really wasn't good at writing Haiku and that I also didn't feel like writing about winter

-sent out several emails that I've been needing to send out

What I did NOT do online today:

-send that email to Girlfriend (not going to either... won't help)

-update my facebook status with the color of bra I was wearing

-accuse anyone of lying about what color bra they were wearing... though I thought about it

-google search to find out if more than one "haiku" had an "s" on the end

What I did around town:

-had coffee with a friend

-almost got stuck in my own driveway

-decided it was too crappy to go to the grocery store... which I regretted later when there was no food in the house

What I'm going to do next:

-fondly pet the necklace and earing set that has been lost and now found... and whisper to them how much mama has misssssssssssssed them

-spell check this, and then hit publish instead of deleting for The Lame

-see if there are any new episodes of Brothers and Sisters to catch up on hulu.com

-go to sleep

My life, it is super fascinating. Please don't envy me because I'm interesting.

Reflecting

That's what I've been doing today... reflecting.

About why I always feel so strongly that I have to do the "right" thing. All the time. That's a lot of pressure, ya know?

About why it drives me _so_ crazy to be misunderstood. I know that my intentions are (and were) good; I've tried to communicate that. Shouldn't that be enough?

About what the "real" issues are... sure, we have specific things we are arguing about, but what's behind it all? What is it really about, and why is so upsetting?

I tossed and turned all night- over a conflict that WEEKS old now- and then decided to write Girlfriend a long, articulate, as-nice-as-I-can-muster-without-kissing-her-ass email.

Then I sent to Seester, to see what she thought. (Bitch never called me back.) (It's like she had better things to do- like go to work!- than read a lengthy email. The nerve!)

At first, I totally intended to send it. Now I'm leaning towards not.

In writing it, I feel much more organized in my thinking and much more clear about it all. I can feel the brain cells settling down a bit, easing back into a comfortable hum instead of the lather I had them in yesterday. I feel calmer, less edgy.

So maybe I don't need to send it. Perhaps writing it was enough.

So, now I'm reflecting on my intent in writing it. And what my intent would be if I sent it. And what my intent is overall.

Actually, that last one is easy: my intent is to maintain a good relationship with my father. But I'm not sure where to go now with his girlfriend. I'm not sure how to handle someone who has so much influence on my dad, and who also thinks I suck. Well, not only that I suck, but that I suck ON PURPOSE.

I'm still reflecting on that one.

(My Curious-George-underpants-clad, Mardi-Gras-bead-wearing, yogurt-tube-eating little Marin is doing a whole different kind of reflecting today. Frankly, I like her version better.)

(Tree is coming down soon.)

Origins

Here's the thing about dealing with one's Family of Origin: things are so fucking loaded. Simple things. Seemingly innocent things. You're just merrily going along your life, and a single encounter with Family of Origin and WHAM. L-O-A-D-E-D.

You see, I'm still stewing about what happened between my dad's girlfriend and me on Christmas Eve. It started with a quick phone call to my grandma today (to see if she was still in South Dakota or if she'd left for her Southern Wintering State), and we get to talking, and now I'm back to fretting, arguing, and generally being pissed off, hurt, sad, upset, sick, miserable, ETC all over again.

Dad's girlfriend is really upset because there was not a photo of her in the "Green Family Album 2009" Shutterfly book I gave my dad for Christmas. I didn't have a decent photo of her; the book is a gift for my father; there are only a few pictures of my dad in the book; she simply didn't make it in.

I refuse to apologize. I didn't leave her out to hurt her feelings. I simply didn't choose her photo. I am, however, quite pissed that she 1) flipped through the book for 30 seconds, not even looking at the photos except to check to see if SHE was in it and 2) proceeded to ruin (yep, RUIN) the precious, short time I had with my dad over it.

Also, Seester and I bought her a gift. HER VERY OWN GIFT.

I don't think she has any right to complain about my dad's gift OR to be pissed that SHE didn't make it into a book of photos of MY family's year. Photos of MY children, documenting how we spent OUR year.

However, I could care less if she's mad at me. What really eats at me is that she has my dad mad too. And he's being a jerk to my grandma for "waffling" her viewpoint after listening to what I had to say. See? Loaded.

Nothing is at all about what we are arguing over. It's all about deeper, hidden issues. It becomes a stupid, multi-layered web of hurt feelings and perceived wrong-doings and he said/she said and BLAH DE FUCKING BLAH.

In the end? I want my dad to believe me. To see my intentions for what they were: good. Instead, he has a girlfriend that has decided to attack my character and thus, I am dragged into a mess I don't want any part of.

It was just a gift. That I spent hours making. For my father.

LOADED LOADED LOADED FUCKING OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW LOADED EVERYTHING IS AND HOW I'M BEING DRUG THROUGH THE MUD OVER SO MUCH STUPID LOADED LOADED BULLSHIT.

Just, fuck.

Family of Origin conflicts... FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

(Loaded).

Two Things (Wait, Make That Three)

1. Legwarmers are BACK! And, since it's been below zero for days on end around here, have the actual added benefit of keeping legs, you know, warm!

2. Yesterday, our family took the day off from life. We stayed in pj's all day, we played board games, ate Swedish pancakes for lunch, had a Wii boxing tourny, procured "Up" from Redbox, took a Family Nap (in which only Marin and I slept...). David taught the girls how to play Skipbo while I worked on our Christmas New Years cards. You know, quiet, relaxing things.

The past 2 weeks, we went so hard, and saw so many people/went to so many family gatherings, that this was just what we all needed. It was the perfect way to end Christmas Vacation. Sure, there were plenty of squabbles, pouting, tears, etc throughout the day, but there was also contentedness of being together, doing nothing.

We missed a ice skating birthday party, which would have been fun FOR SURE. David and I are learning, though, that sometimes we just need to STAY HOME.

And honestly? I wasn't ready for the girls to go back to school today. (And now I'm off to sit in a corner, heavily petting Pollyanna.)

Oh, wait. I have one more thing!

3. I WON $100 Visa gift card from Swistle's contest!!!!!! On December 31st, Year Of Our Lord 2009, I was discussing with a friend how I NEVER EVER win ANYTHING. And then I won!

With my "holiday bonus" (BooYah!) that I'm getting from work, and now this, my DSLR fund is growing quite nicely. I've nearly convinced David that we should just BUY a camera...

So tell me. What should I buy? Canon? Nikon? Model? Is knows nothings.

Regrets

On December 31st, 1999 (TEN years ago, yesterday), David asked me to marry him. Remember that, East Coast Anne? Wow. So much has changed in what doesn't feel like 10 years.

Last night, our New Years Eve celebration included _more_ children than adults. We borrowed a BINGO game, played some Wii, and stuffed ourselves with copious amounts of delicious foods.

We had planned to have a "ceremony" of sorts, where we all wrote our regrets for the year on little pieces of paper, and then burned them in the fireplace. Our plans were for naught, however, because a) our woodpile is buried in snow and b) the kids kept us so hopping that it just never was a "good time".

I do want to think about my regrets for 2009. I like the idea of listing out the things I'd most like to change about the past year, because it gives me clarity for goals in the upcoming year.

Without further ado, here's my list:

1. I wish we'd completed a few more house projects this year. We still have plenty of wallpaper covered rooms, and chipping away and these types of projects a little at a time makes such a difference.

2. I wish I had committed to an exercise plan throughout the year. Last winter, I was religious about the 30 DS and taking long walks with a friend, this summer I was quite active- walking and biking the kids to the library and their activities... so it's not as if I don't exercise. It's that I don't have a HARD AND FAST routine.

3. I wish I'd spent more time with each of my daughters one-on-one. Actually, Marin and I get plenty of time alone, but Kate and Joan always get lumped together.

4. Oh god, how I wish I'd yelled less, been more patient/kind/gentle, used less sharp tones and sarcasm, spent more time listening and less time bossing, made more eye contact and less "Mommy's busy"-type noises... I really wish I'd embodied the mother I know I *could* be.

5. I wish I'd put more effort in my marriage. Although I would not call our relationship a FAIL by any means, it's often the part of our lives that continually finds it's way to the back burner. I can sense that too many more days/weeks/months/years of allowing this to happen will cause a chasm too large to cross any longer.

So, do me a favor, and imagine a fire, and imagine my regrets on small slips of paper, burning in the fire... becoming ash and floating around toward the top of the chimney. And not, instead, escaping through our (non-existent) fire screen and burning small holes on my carpet....

*moment of silence*

Ahhhh, that feels much better. For some reason that exercise gave me more clarity of how I want to shape 2010 than trying to come up with a list of resolutions.

Happy New Year, my dears. Cheers to you!